Meme Response Series - "Don't Regret the Wrong Men" by Jimmy on Relationships
I used to watch Jimmy on Relationships, and he has some good content. However, even well-intentioned men cannot advise women on what they should or should not accept when it comes to men. There are generations of proof that men cannot vet men, and they rarely give women advice that isn’t male-centered. Listening to men about most things is not in our best interest.
Especially this.
Unfortunately, the wrong men will always come into our lives. Sometimes, our father turns out to be one of the most damaging men we ever encounter, or maybe they are just run-of-the-mill misogynists who teach their daughters that they aren’t good enough and they don’t deserve what their sons deserve. Sometimes, it’s not our family but our friends telling us never to say ‘no’ even while saying that our boyfriend is not a good person. Sometimes it's our romantic partner who is the wrong person. Maybe it's the people you work with or strangers in the street. It doesn’t matter where they are or when they come into our lives; there are wrong men everywhere.
I will not say ‘not all men’, and I will refuse any argument that starts that way because there are enough men who cause harm that we cannot believe in their goodness first, not if they want to live good lives in a patriarchy.
Too many of us are told by our families and culture and supposed friends that the ‘wrong men’ are the right ones while they excuse abhorrent behavior exacted against us. Sometimes the harm those wrong men bring us is all about the loss of peace, but it can be everything from our sense of self to loss of life and everything in between. All of which matters and does extensive damage to people who are already considered second or third-class citizens under the patriarchy.
The wrong men will appear, but you don’t have to be grateful for them, and no person, especially a man, should ever get to tell you how to feel about them. I might feel thankful about my self-discovery that happened after my ex-husband did so much mental and emotional harm to me, but I wish I had learned that without the damage he caused. Suppose I had been taught better boundaries in other, healthier ways. In that case, I might have come out (as bisexual and demisexual) and learned more about myself earlier and never ended up in that situation.
Jimmy telling us how to feel about the trauma that happens to us because of wrong men has the same energy as “You’re a good religious woman if you stay with your cheating husband”, both mentalities are male-centered. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt and learn your boundaries and the bare minimum of what you expect of relationships without letting people hurt you and ignoring the harm.
These days, we have so much access to different ideas and content creators online, which can be ‘good’ or ‘bad’. We have parents who are changing how they raise their children. We are seeing more and more of the reality of harm when we let men tell us what to do or how to feel. It’s time to find our way and stop being forced into accepting and being accepting of the harm most men bring into our lives.
“Jimmy” cannot account for the women who listened to ideas like this, ended up with the wrong man, and never got out. Memes can and are fun sometimes, but they can also be deeply problematic when they don’t allow space for in-depth conversations that need to happen.
I know this because when I brought up my concerns about a man implicitly telling women just to accept the harm that men cause them, a woman refused to hear or take in the context that I was adding to the meme. She declared that Jimmy was right because he considered both sides and advised both people. He’s not a woman; in fact, he harmed his wife and got her back after ‘reading some books’. Though he sells coaching classes to people, he is not educated beyond personal reading, and he’s telling women something like the above statement. I communicated that even the most educated deconstructed men should not be telling women what they should be doing because they are still usually male-centered. Talk to men about not being the ‘wrong men’ to begin with, that’s the right thing to do as men, not this.
Be safe, my lovelies, and don’t for a second accept this kind of advice from anyone.
For additional Information on Jimmy (from his YouTube Profile):
“I confessed to my wife that I had an affair, and she kicked me out (rightfully so) and as I was sitting in my car alone wondering if I should text my mom or sleep in my car I asked myself "was this pain I'm experiencing preventable? Can my marriage be saved even after an affair? What does a healthy relationship even look like?" I couldn't stop obsessing over these types of questions, and after reading dozens of books on relationships and eventually rebuilding trust in my marriage, I decided this is too important not to talk about and share what I've learned with others. So I hope I can help your relationship in any way that I can. *I am NOT a coach or counselor and my videos are NEVER intended to replace counseling or therapy =)"
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